You’d be surprised with what’s going on in your mind right now. You feel that you’re in control, everything happens not exactly as you want, but you still feel that you can handle reality, you’re capable of making sense with the nonsense of life, your brain is working, your body responds, things just look normal to everybody else including yourself. But you’d be surprised with what’s going on with your brain. You would be amazed, perplex. I mean the words that follow up your reactions and the previous thoughts before you commit to a decision. When was the last time you noticed you were choosing for life? Did you question the last time you got home where you have been? I don’t intend to persuade you to go insane, but you would if you listened to what your mind is saying to yourself right now. Let it flow, my advice is for you to just let it flow. Nothing you’ll say will change how you feel inside, because you don’t know. Do you feel like crying, smiling, watching TV? Probably you think you need a hug, a walk, a strike of luck, something that doesn’t require your attention, your full being. It’s much easier to live without asking. Your life, and my own, would be much better if we’d just stopped questioning, stopped wondering about our time, our priorities, our desires.
As so many like me I’ve started dreams but did not accomplished to craft them. We all know that dreaming is often more than enough for our satisfaction, and we also know that most of our dreams are just too deviant for the life we have. It’s good to keep that in mind. You’ll definitely feel more peaceful with the rashes that sometimes we dig up when one of our dreams seems to be so close to us, so close to become true. If you had that reaction recently you’ll understand what I’m talking about. I’m thinking about it now, I’m thinking about the dreams I left behind, the imaginary worlds I created for my own pleasure and thinking that it wouldn’t be too insane to try them as I can almost taste them. There’re the ones that make you come, a pleasant physical reaction for something that is not real. There’re some that make you cry or panic. Sometimes dreams can make you experience real sadness, and you ask yourself, why is my mind making myself sad? Why does your mind play like this with your feelings?
I once believed that there was a chance that I could be free, but I didn’t realize what that meant. Today I can see that freedom is our lust and conquer of our biggest fears. It’s a challenge where you fight your own demons. It’s a hard fight. I don’t know if you can really get hurt, but probably somebody will. Like they say, you got to pay a huge price for freedom. If you already have everything you want in your life: love, freedom of action and speech, you’re going to hunger for your own personal freedom. If you think you already have it then you’re going to look for freedom from yourself and so on, until you can no longer long for freedom because it has lost all its meaning, and I guess that happens with death. You’ll search your entire life for some sort of peace, some sort of well being and you’ll say that the aim of that exploration is to set your self free, and so we will look for the freedom, trying to act free in all choices, from the most insignificant to the hardest choice you’ll ever make in your life.
What was your hardest decision so far? Was it hard because you were scared of the risk, because you didn’t want to choose, because you weren’t sure if you were making the right choice and you did regret the choice you made for some time?
When you have to change, whatever it is that you’re changing, what is going to hurt is exposing you to the world and look at yourself in bright daylight. Tears stream along your face when presented with your weakness, your unsustained pride, and your disappointments towards your actions. How many times you wished you could have done things in a different way? I try so much to be present in life that I feel I let it pass thru me and I don’t notice. I have the sensation that I’m always late, that I am too far, too lost to make it right. It hurts when the person you see underneath your skin is not as you imagined to be. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I look, I touch my face, I try to see what is there behind that identity and I don’t see who I am, I get the impression that I know other people better than I know myself. Who am I? Why do I wish to be different? Would some of my friends or my family say the same appalling things to me, or do they accept me as I am? Do they really love me just for being and not for acting?
Do you love yourself for the way you just are or for your acting excellence?
We’ve loved and keep on loving during all our life, we keep loving people that are no longer with us, we keep in memory, in our heart, in our brain, in our things, this life lived for love. Feelings, emotions, sensations are all that we got from being here, nothing else really matters. But so many times it is all mixed with pain and sorrow. Are your feelings the absolute truth? How far can you trust your desire, your impulse to live your dreams? I guess the answer is as long as you love yourself for what you’re doing.
I don’t love the part of me that is hurting other people by my absence, but I love that I’m daring to change the life I’ve always thought it would never change. I don’t love the part of me that breaks up in despair and loneliness, but I love having strong feelings and react to life in a passionate way. I don’t like feeling lost and confused, but I love finding out more about my nature and everyone’s nature. I love and I don’t love, but overall I love all the time and I love everyone that I loved, and everyone that I’ll love. These feelings that hurt ourselves are the same ones that give us sense to life.
But it hurts, and it can stop you from dancing.